Nancy writes a(n altogether too brief) meditiation on friendship over at Painting Baseboards. Nancy translates Paul Waddell’s definition of a friend this way:
Wadell defines a friend as one before whom you peel back all layers of pretension and pride. The friend is the witness to the inner most core of your being, and is not frightened off by the hideous parts of your soul. The friend acts as the mirror, informing you of those rough and sinful tendencies that need the transformative power of Christ.
I think this definition really works, and it meets an understanding that I’ve been needing for awhile. I appreciate the undertone here, for our friends are those who are with us as we develop and struggle with growing up, as we sort out our lives in light of the demands of work, family, and unexpected challenge. I am grateful that there are people who have been when the cover gets blown off and I’m exposed before them, and they stick around to help me sort things out again. I’m grateful that at least two of these people are my siblings. With these kinds of friends change is continually present and adjustment is continually required. The “becoming” aspect is the mark of spiritual friendship, since these kinds of friends move with you. Can you tell I’ve been thinking about Heraclitus? Geez.
Anyway, one aspect of mature friendship that we miss (and I’m not sure if Waddell addresses) is the need for solitude. We need space to hear ourselves think, and we need to be able to sort those voices with valuable influence from those voices offering unhelpful chatter. There’s real value in being alone, and I want to say that it’s an important condition for formation, as well as the ability to accept influence from those folks you consider friends.
In this moment, there are people in my life who fit the definition that Waddell gives. I’m blessed by their influence and lucky to have them moving and changing my life around for the better.
Here I am, riffing on something I’ve not read. But I’ve had a lot of occasion to think about this very topic this weekend, so it is a natural fit. Thanks Nancy for the unintended prodding.
Becky,
That reminds me of the Scripture: A friend loves at all times, and a brother/sister is born for adversity.
I have to wonder why I don’t see more of this kind of friendship. This kind of friend will be one who is appropriately vulnerable themselves.
I am blessed this way. Of course my wife being the one. But on another level, at least one guy at work, with whom I seem to be possibly developing this kind of friendship.
However, I don’t think this means we spill all our thoughts and emotions all over them. At times, okay- certainly. But not routinely. But regularly we do show our true selves in a way that is controlled (self-control).
Ted: I can readily point to places in my life where self-control was out the window and I over-exposed myself to people. What a disaster!
I think friendship is as much about knowing oneself as it is being open to the assistance of others. I would hope that I can continue to respond positively to the influence and accountability these friends of mine provide.
Yes, I was pretty brief. No time. No Wadell book. Cluttered head. How wonderful that you have siblings that fill the role of friend! And yes, you are right on with regards to solitude. We have to take the time to think through the many messages we get and from whom we get them. And for those of us with little ones at home. There are some days where the only solitude I get is in the shower!!!! One of the benefits of going back to work part time is the drive-time solitude. Thanks for you comments as you and Susan both provoked a lot contemplation on this topic.